I have the perfect topic for my first REAL post.
I have just gotten into another argument with Cale. I warned him before, if he didn't quit doing what he did, i was going to lose it. But being the stubborn ape he is, he wouldn't listen.
Naturally, I lost it.
It is important to note that I didn't lose it BIG TIME like I used to. This is important because during the early stages of my relationship with Cale, I used to get mad over the smallest of things. If he didn't text me on time, if he seemed to pay more attention to the TV and even when he joked about other women being hot. I didn't take jokes very lightly back then.
Of all the men I've ever been with, I've been wih Cale the longest - 3 years in 2 days, to be exact. And if you've been with someone for that long or possibly longer, you naturally get to know them better. But what others often fail to realize is that they get to know themselves better in the process, as well. It's both a shocking and rewarding task. I would never have guessed that I had a thing for cars or that a squid's eye really grossed me out or that horror movies didn't scare me at all. I guess that there are just some things about yourself you can only discover when you're wih someone else.
It is a known fact that people's personalitites change depending on who they are often with. I agree, but I didn't expect to change THIS much. I don't regret any of these changes, but I sometimes wonder, who and what would I be if I hadn't met Cale. Has anyone ever felt or realized how much being with a person has changed you?
Anyway, I digress.
I was mad at Cale for looking at bold women on the Internet ... again. I know it's a normal thing for guys to do. As a matter of fact, as explained to me by Cale and his brother, Darren, watching porn and not being able to resist looking at cleavages and butts and basically, hot, bold women, proves that they are, what they like to refer to themselves as, REAL MEN .
Really? That's the only proof you guys need? Seriously? That's the only definition you have of a real man? In that case, men are barbarians.
Cale once told me that I was the only person in the world who reacted this way towards porn and pictures of bold women. In the heat of the argument, I told him that was impossible, but if it were the case, I told him that he should be with other women and not with me. By that time, we were already living together under the same roof. I wanted to leave right then and there, but, and some may find this corny, I really do love him very much. That was the only thing keeping me from leaving. And yes, it was much stronger than my perverted reaction towards porn.
Understand that I hate, as in absolutely HATE, porn. If it had any guts, I would hate it even more. If I had a choice between shit, the fresh-from-someone's-ass-in-the-bowl-diarrhea-and-constipation-combination type of shit, and porn, I would more than happily go with the shit.
Grossed out yet? Let me ease your comfort. I am working on this perverted reaction of mine and trying to keep an open mind and understand that porn is nothing to be mad about. I have discovered that this is a really long process, since everytime I see porn or pictures of bold women, my natural reaction is to get mad. I am tryin my hardest to keep it under control, but I admit I haven't made much progress. But the point is, I'm still working on it. Let me ask this, though. Am I really the only person in the world who reacts this way towards porn?
That's basically what we fought about earlier today, and we haven't said a word to each other since.
I'm beginning to think that I am psychologically disturbed. I remember when I was younger, way back before I met Cale, that I used to sneak somewhere private and search about sex and porn and even bold pictures. I remember exploring myself in the shower and often finding what I was looking for. After reading the previous paragraphs, you might have it in your heads that I am incapable of sex and satisfying my boyfriend. Believe me, it is nothing like that. I won't say much more, however, I will say this: Cale and I do it at least once a day, everyday for the past 2 years. The first year we were together, especialy in the first few months, we did it no less than 7 times a day. And not once was he ever unsatisfied .
The thing is, I seem to have developed this weird reaction towards porn when I started dating Cale. I believe that this has something to do with the fact that I don't want cale getting any sort of satisfaction from anyone else, even if this only means looking at and/or jerking off at a bold picture or porn. This is more along the lines of self-esteem, I guess.
The fact is, I want to be the only person who more than satisfies all Cale's needs. It's a selfish and possibly, a ridiculous thought. But it is the truth. And that's all anyone's going to get from my blog.
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